Be Of Your Word, The Sequel.

Making a pot of coffee is a pretty simple deal.  There are several ways to do it.  Most of us use an electric coffee maker.  You pour 10 cups of water into the top of the machine then fill a container with the filter and add your unmeasured amount of coffee grounds.  Then you slip the holder back into its slot below the drain line of the maker and plug it in.  There you go, an instant pot of coffee.  When we do it enough it becomes involuntary.  We no longer think about the motions we are doing.  The motions move all by themselves.  That is exactly how being "not" of your word becomes.  It eventually becomes a part of our involuntary actions.  It grows into this big gap of credibility that we no longer see or feel.  It becomes an involuntary part of our standard of living.  We actually do not believe we are no longer a person of our word.

When we break our word on little insignificant matters, we feel as if we did not really break our word.  It did not matter enough to make it worth our time to worry much about it.  So we get by.  Each time we break our word on insignificant matters we grow to become familiar with breaking our word when it does not really matter.  Eventually, we begin breaking our word more often.  It seems to be insignificant enough and does not seem to be hurting our image sufficient to do something about it.  Being a person "not" of our word grows into becoming a part of who we are.  It becomes our quietly produced pot of coffee.  We no longer think about it while we are doing it.  It grows slowly as it becomes hidden from the view we hold of our own personal image.  We do not believe we are people that do not keep our words.  Yet we break them every single day.  It is an amazing reality.



We eventually learn how to accept saying things that tickle the ears of the people we promise.  The promises are usually very small and have little significance in the world of bigness.  We learn how to say what we think they want to hear.  We gradually believe this kind of promise is good for them.  We learn how to say things like, "Sure, that sounds good...we will have to do that some day."  When in fact we really mean something more like, "I don't see that happening."  We are all guilty of this kind of lying.  Call it what it truly is, lying.  We are lying to others and have learned how to accept it because we believe we are not hurting them.  If we believe the lie is of an acceptable "degree" we do not believe it is a lie.  We replace the thought of it as being a lie with a more acceptable method for being nice!  We believe it is better to tickle their ears with a "half-truth" than it is to hurt their feelings with the "more bluntly delivered" whole truth.  We practice this complex system of "half-truths" enough to nearly forget where the limits and boundaries are.  We only adjust the coffee making process when the coffee grounds end up inside the cup we pour.  When coffee grounds end up in our teeth as we sip the cup we poured, we turn our minds back on to make sure our filter is placed in the machinery correctly.  The same holds true with keeping our word.  We apologize for breaking our word when the other party somehow brings it to our minds.  We adjust when the adjustment needs our attention.

We do not consider our word as something we break, wrongly.  We break our word only when we feel it is the right thing to do.  The problem with this process is that we are using only our personal evaluation as the criteria for deciding to break our word.  We believe it will be fine with them.  We are not using their criteria for determining how fine it is.  Since everyone does it, what is the big deal, anyway?  This is how we clear our conscience.  We think it ain't no big deal and besides, they all do it to some degree...plus we did not want to hurt their feelings!  All of these excuses will work.  Just remember this, they are all excuses to be "not" of your word.  You are "not" of your word.  Accept it.

Here are some of the most common ways we break our word.

I'll get to that.  We need to get together sometime.  Let's do that.  I will try and remember to do that.  I'll try to be there.  That sounds great.  What a good idea!  What time is it going to be?  Where will you hold that?  I will call them tomorrow.  I will check it out.  I will tell them "hi" for you.  Call me!  Let's set it up someday.  I cannot believe we have not gotten together for so long!  Sure, let me check with my wife.  I am not sure this weekend is good for me.  I think we have something going on tonight.  I am not sure what I am doing this weekend?  Let's do this again, sometime.  What time should we be there?  I think I can make it!  I'm not sure.  Let's do a 'rain check!'

All of these attempts are not promises set in stone.  We do not want to set them in stone because we want to leave ourselves some options to opt out.  We want to creatively break our word!  We do not want to be pinned down tightly so we have to be of our word.  Being of our word is a serious commitment.  We hate serious commitments.  Commitments suggest bondage.  Commitments suggest performance.  Commitments suggest disruption of our comfort zones.  Commitment requires more work.  We hate to become involved with any more work, with any more risk.  Therefore, we will move away from keeping our word when a better opportunity becomes available to permit us a wonderful way to creatively change what we suggested to be or promised to do.  I am guilty, and so are you.  We are "not" of our word.

It gets more complicated than this.

We get used to saying what we think they want to hear and truthfully acting on it depends upon the degree for which it may damage our image.  It becomes a very complicated process of communication.  The casualties of this complex set of developments in communication lead to the fall of keeping our word.  It grows into higher levels of elusive promises that sound better than they really become.  Since we are no longer people of our word, by some degree, we eventually lose sight of what is right and what is wrong.  We learn how to prevaricate, how to equivocate the truth and only deliver what we must, instead of what we should.  We only see what is acceptable and what degree is not.  We only adjust the coffee filter when the coffee grounds end up in the cup we pour.  Otherwise, our slips for keeping our word become routine to the degree that we do not set fire to the distance we prefer for the relationships we care to maintain.  Our word is not our bond, only by the strength of how much our relationships mean to us to preserve.  If the relationships are desired to be held at a distance, we lie more often.  Being of our word becomes a part of our complex mechanisms for connecting our world with the closeness we desire for the world of others to join.  Being of our word no longer holds a part of how we determine who we are.  This is a very powerful view.  If you are a business owner, you need to work harder on respecting who you are to yourself.  It does not truly matter how you are treating others.  How do you respond to how you are acting?  That is what matters.  You should always keep your word if you prefer to care enough about yourself to do so.  Your word determines who you are.    

When someone asks what we are doing next weekend, respond accurately.  We are headed out to travel and go see our children.  We do not need to guard our answers.  We do not need to build up options in case we need to use them.  We need to be true to our word and deliver what we say we will deliver.  You better be going to see your children when you say you are going to see your children!  Do not buy, produce or accept anything less.

A few years ago I received a telephone phone call from my sister when she arrived in the area.  She lives across the country and came one week to do some business with some associates.  She called to find out when we could get together on that particular trip.  It would require of me to do a short piece of traveling to hook up with her but we set the arrangements in place for an evening rendezvous.  We set in place an evening dinner at a place she wanted to try out.  The day I was expected to travel to join her she called to explain how a bunch of her associates were getting together to have dinner commemorating the completion of some of the work they had done.  She wanted to know if a 'rain check' would work out better?  I asked her what my options would be.  She said next time would be better.  She had a flight out early the next morning.  There has never been a next time.

Our word truly defines who we are.  I am not disturbed by the "missed" dinner engagement with my sister.  It was not the first.  I personally forgave her in another conversation much later.  My point is this, your word is going to be a huge factor in determining who you are.  If you are striving to be a great business leader you will need to improve how you respect yourself when you have an opportunity to deliver your word.  Being "not" of your word will injure your reputation only slightly.  Your life will go on just fine.  But the measure of depth you hold in your own heart about who you are will be affected greatly by the simple act of delivering what you indicate you are willing to do.  In my sisters case, when her associates suggested an impromptu dinner because they all worked well in completing their project, thanking them for the wonderful thoughts and idea would have been appropriate.  Telling them she had a previous engagement with her brother, for dinner, would have been very respectable.  If her word was already shaky with them from her previous dealings of the same nature, they would have noticed an improvement they would likely come to admire.  Regardless of the view they held, she would know and respect more of what she had become.

Life is filled with many tough situations.  Some of them come very close to our hearts and soul.  Regardless of the source, the closeness of kin, the nature of our intentions, we must become better at being a good person of our word.  Being of our word defines who we really are.  It also defines what kind of business you run.

Until next time...