Funny Business Stuff, #2.

Bandit!

One customer several years ago came into the furniture store I was operating and wanted to know if one of my particular brands of recliners had a two-for-one special.  She described how she went to a major city and was offered from a 'big box' furniture store retailer in that city a two-for-one recliner special on this particular name brand.  I asked her how much the two would cost her.  She replied, $699.  She said they advertised this particular brand of recliner as a two-for-one special.  She requested that I match the deal...two-for-one.  All of my recliners in that brand were marked on my display floor at prices ranging from $299 to $399 at that time.  She wanted me to deliver two of those recliners to her home at one of those prices, $299 or $399.  I told her I was not running a "marked-up" two-for-one special on this brand.  She insisted that I meet the competitors price offer and sell her two recliners for my floor price of one.  She wanted one particular style number on my floor and it was priced at $299 each.  She insisted that I meet the competitors offer and sell her two of those numbers at $299, grand total.  Patiently I worked with her to help her "see" what the competitor was doing.  In essence, they were selling her two-for-one at a grand total price of $699.  I was offering her the same number at a total price of $598!  she became upset that I would not meet the two-for-one offer and stormed out of the store, with her last comments about having to go all the way back to that city store to get the deal!

Retailers live this kind of life occasionally.  If you own a business for very long it is inevitable that you will bump up against these type of experiences.  Every business owner can sit down with other business owners and begin to share these odd experiences they have witnessed.  Once they get started on the "one-ups-man-ship" process they will begin to recall many of their old oddities they have forgotten.

Bandit!

Once I was doing installation of floor coverings.  Two of my favorite experiences came from "up country" customers.  One was north of my little town.  I was replacing some carpeting in a mobile home near the mountains.  The elderly couple had a unique lifestyle.  When I arrived they cautioned me about their pet raccoon and how much of a pest he might become.  His name was "Bandit."  They had all of their kitchen cabinets and food storage areas, including the refrigerator, locked.  "Bandit" would help himself to the food.  As I began work on the floors, once in awhile I would see "Bandit."  When lunch time came, I went to my truck to eat my lunch.  All that was remaining was the bag, some wrappers and a little bit of remains of some gum I had stored on the front seat of my cab.  "Bandit" had been there.  I told the MRS. about my experience and she said her husband was headed to town to get some chicken from the local deli.  As I watched him go to town, I saw him taking his small motor-home down the dirt road.  On the back of the motor-home was an attached ladder with "Bandit" hanging on.  I told her what I saw.  She said "Bandit" liked going to town and rides on the back like that.  The little rural town was only a mile away.  When they returned, she had to lock "Bandit" up in his kennel.  Apparently nobody else would get to eat any food if "Bandit" was allowed to participate.  I was eating with them and told them I was missing some tools from my tool box.  The husband asked me if they where shiny like chrome.  I told him they were chrome.  I went into the house and looked in his closet, inside his slippers...he found them there.  For some reason, "Bandit" steals chrome and shiny objects and stores them in the husbands slippers.  He returned them to me.

After eating, I went back to work in the living room and they allowed "Bandit" to come out and join the world.  The wife gave "Bandit" a small bag of chips to eat.  She told him to go to the other room and eat them.  As she was in the kitchen she listened to "Bandit" munching away.  When "Bandit" would take gobs of chips at a time, she would yell from the noise she heard for him to slow down and eat one at a time.  I was in shock.  He slowed down and would eat only one at a time for a little while.  Then as he sped up for gobs more, she yelled again...correcting him.  I could not believe what I was seeing.  As the day passed, the couple had to go to town to run some errands.  They left "Bandit" behind, running loose in the mobile home.  I figured they knew what they were doing.  After a short while, I heard the answering machine come on in the bedroom.  I heard it again and again.  I decided to go see what was going on.  There was "Bandit" on the desk pushing the button on the answering machine that listens to the owners voice on the "please leave a message" recording.  "Bandit" looked up at me as if to say, "What!  You got a problem with this?"

When they returned, I told her what "Bandit" does when they are gone.  She said they know, "Bandit" likes to her the husbands voice when he is away.  Just about that time, the phone rang.  I also noticed that "Bandit" booked out of the little doggy door just moments earlier.  The caller was letting the wife know that bandit was at her house playing with her kids.  The wife hung the phone up and said "Bandit" always goes down the road to meet the children when they get home from school.  "Bandit" was a great experience.

A Large Mean Pig!

From a raccoon to a pig.  Years later I had a great pig experience.  I was doing another "up country" carpet replacement job in another mobile home.  I arrived at a time the home owner was a little bit panicked about a work schedule change she received moments earlier.  She was called into work, suddenly.  She was a waitress in a neighboring roadside dinner.  I told her it would be no problem and that I could do the job while she was away.  Her fear was her little tiny dog.  She would need to leave it home and it was a little tiger that would bite.  It actually was very mean.  The good thing was that I was only scheduled to replace the back bedroom carpeting with some new vinyl flooring.  I could shut the door of the bedroom while I worked.  She was not comfortable with that arrangement so she called her daughter to come over to babysit the little monster dog.  That arrangement worked great until the daughter had to go to work at 4 P.M. and left, placing the little dog in the laundry room with a small barricade to protect me.  The dog was barking constantly.  As I finished up I opened the bedroom door to discover the little beast had escaped.  for approximately two hours I played cat and mouse with this little monster trying to get my tools, scraps and possessions out of the back bedroom, down the narrow hallway and out the back door of the mobile-home.  I would rush in and out as the dog disappeared, here and there.  I tossed the stuff out and rushed back into the room, shutting the door to protect me.  It took a long time.  It was getting late and growing dark outside.  But I was patient enough to get all of my stuff out to the back porch.  When I made my last trip, I got outside and shut the door behind me.  I was so proud of my work!  I made it!  I escaped the little beast.

As I was celebrating my successful escape I realized my wife had told me earlier to make sure I was not late coming back to town.  She had an engagement she had to attend and my two little daughters were going to be at their dance lessons.  I was scheduled to pick them up that day.  I remember specifically telling her I would have no problem getting done early and being able to pick them up on time.  It occurred to me that I was becoming late to keep that promise.  My delay with this little dog had now jeopardized my promise.  It also just came to my attention that I needed to get going, and fast.

As I was picking up my stuff to carry it around the house into the front yard where my truck was parked, I noticed how dark it had become.  There was no porch light turned on.  I tried the door but remembered I had locked it on my victory trip out!  About that time, I heard one of the more strange noises I have ever heard.  It was eerie and behind me.  I am not afraid of the dark but this sound was not a good animal sound.  I was sure it was some kind of animal, but it was dark and I could not see what was making that noise.  Just about the time I considered this noise worth checking out, it started to run straight at me.  As the noise got closer I could see it was a huge pig!  It was charging me!  I bolted.  It was dark but I was running for my life.  As I ran around the side of the house I started to get slapped in the face by some tree limbs sticking out in my path to the cyclone fence.  The grass was damp and slippery and my glasses were flicked off to the ground by some of the branches i slapped in my face.  I made it to the fence, flipped over it just in time as the pig rushed and slammed itself up against the wires.  When I landed on the other side my feet slipped on the damp grass as I fell to my rear in some mud and yuk.  My heart was pumping real fast.  I sat there for a moment to collect myself.  I was stunned.  My clock was running tighter and tighter.  I had a big challenge I needed to overcome, quickly.  As the pig stared at me on the other side of the fence, I decide to walk around the fence line to draw the pig all the way back to the very rear part of the property.  He followed me.  When I got all the way back, I walked away from the fence to get out of his sight and worked my way quietly back to the front of the house.  He did not follow.  I spent the next moments climbing over the fence and quietly sneaking my stuff over the fence on several carefully maneuvered trips.  I also found my glasses.

Once done, I climbed the fence and loaded my truck for home.  I drove faster than normal and arrived late to the dance studio.  Several people were waiting for me with my two little girls.  Everyone else had been gone for awhile.  This event happened well before cell phones.  When I walked into the room I forgot I was muddy, with dried blood dripping from my tree-scratched forehead.  I was looking disheveled as each of them stared in amazement at my appearance.  Bob, one of the other fathers who waited, asked me what happened.  I said, "Oh, there was this pig."  I paused for a moment and said, "Never mind, I will tell you later...some day!"

The next day I called the customer to apologize in case I did not clean up my mess very well.  I told her my story and she said she was shocked.  She said she did not know her daughter had to go to work and they should not have left me with those animals.  She said her husband has had the teeth of that pig removed because he was so mean, but they grew back.  She said he would attack me if he could.  Mean animals do not make for a good house call.  Some of our experiences are kind of funny, now.

Until next time...